Now I happen to love Drake, and what's not to love? He's a nice Jewish boy, he remembers to call his grandmother, he respects authorities, he's serious bros with Khaled (huge plus IMO), and he truly deserves a Canadian Emmy for his fearless portrayal of Wheelchair Jimmy.
In addition to being a Drake expert, I'm also a Brooklyn resident, which is perfect since I'm sure when Drake performs at the VMAs, he's going to need someone to show him around, maybe take him to dinner, protect him from Amanda Bynes, field his texts from The Weeknd, maybe change the sheets. You know. Show him some Brooklyn love. So, here's a guide to the 11 Brooklyn spots I'll take Drake before his VMA performance.
1.) SHAKE SHACK AT FULTON MALL: First, before the date, I'd stress eat my body weight plus the weight of my emotions in burgers. Off to Shake Shack I go!
2.) ADIDAS STORE AT BARCLAYS: I know Drake likes girls in sweatpants, so I'd pick up a pair of sweats at the Barclays Adidas store. So necessary post Shake Shack.
3.) WYTHE HOTEL: Will Drake stay at the Wythe? (Or will he stay at the DRAKE Hotel?) I don't know, but that's where the "cool kids" seem to like to say they go when in Brooklyn, so I'll just assume we're meeting up there. At the very least, I'll spot someone in "Girls" or someone who knows someone who was an extra on the show. I imagine Drake will open the door all like...
4.) UVA WINES: We all know Drake loves wine, so we'll make a stop at Uva Wines in Williamsburg. I'll let Drake pick out a few bottles (Moscato, probz) to be popped later, of course.
5.) SAVED TATTOO: Since we're in Williamsburg, might as well get a tat, right? Let's hit up Saved. Good enough for Marc Jacobs, good enough for us. This would be my first tattoo, so why not go full Zac Efron and get a "YOLO" tattoo, you know?
6.) TEMPLE BETH ELOHIM: Being the guilt-ridden Jew I am (#bornthisway), I'll probably feel bad about getting a tattoo, and Lord knows I'll have a lot of thinking about what to tell my parents, so what better place to work that out than in temple? As a proud Bar Mitzvah boy, Drake probably won't mind stopping by Temple Beth Elohim. I haven't been personally (#moreJewishguilt) since I do my davening up on the Upper West Side, but I've heard this is where you can find all the cool Jews north of Borough Park.
Check out more of my Brooklyn date with Drake before his VMA performance after the jump!
7.) WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING: Obviously the date's going PERFECTLY at this point, so we're skipping ahead the what-are-we/ it's-complicated/ no-label/ late-night-texting/ Marvin's-Room/ secret-hookup phase and heading straight to the bima! Yay! We're off to The White Gown in Dumbo, and if that doesn't work, there's a David's Bridal on Flatbush, just a quick 2 train ride to Barclays.
8.) GRAND PROSPECT HALL: Drake and I wouldn't dream of getting married anywhere BUT Grand Prospect Hall, where all of our wedding dreams will so obviously come true to the tune of our first dance song, "Hold On We're Going Home."
9.) HORSEBACK RIDING AT JAMAICA BAY RIDING ACADEMY: Yes, you can actually ride horses in Brooklyn. Granted, the horses have little mustaches and suspenders and try to sell you artisan honey, but it's do-able. Also, I don't know, man. There's just something really special about the thought of riding horses with Drake. That's it. I don't have any word play. I just like thinking about riding horses with him.
10.) ROBERTA'S: All this meeting and falling in love and then planning a wedding all on the same day can really kick your carb cravings into high gear. Drake and I are starving at this point, and Adderall and Red Bull ain't gonna cut it. Drake LOVES Italian food, and since there's no Sotto Sotto in Brooklyn, so we'll head to Roberta's. Hopefully the pizza will be even better than the pizza he had with LeBron James in June. Also, not even Drake can skip past the four-hour line, so we'll have plenty of time to sit around and talk about stuff like this shirt and what Lady Gaga's meat purse tasted like.
11.) BARCLAYS CENTER: Welp, I'd say wine, horseback riding, wedding dress shopping, wedding plans a pizza are more than enough for a first date. At this point it'll be time for ChampagnePapi (and me) to head back to the Barclays Center in time for his VMA performance! I bid you shalom, and remember, if this dressing room's a rockin', don't come a knockin,' nomesayin'? L'chaim!
Cast your vote NOW for this year’s Video Music Award winners from the 2013 VMA Nominees. The 2013 Video Music Awards air Aug. 25 on MTV and VMA.MTV.com, live from Brooklyn's Barclays Center. No sleep till Brooklyn!
