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By Alex Zalben
Last month, we recruited amateur fight announcers Brian “Puncher” Posehn, Gerry “Dig” Duggan, and Tony “The Mangler” Moore to handicap Deadpool’s bout with Undead President FDR, which goes down this week in DEADPOOL #1, but the fight’s far from over.
To give us odds on the battle in DEADPOOL #2 with Teddy Roosevelt, the original Rough Rider, here’s Posehn, Duggan, and Moore…
Nickname
Brian Posehn: “Teddy Ruxkill.”
Catchphrase
Brian Posehn: “The famous one is ‘Speak softly and carry a big stick,’ but that’s already about kicking someone’s ass! How about that? He’s undead so let’s assume his memory has some holes, so he’d probably just say ‘something about a big stick.’”
Strengths
Gerry Duggan: “Look, Teddy Roosevelt killed everything that walked or crawled. He shot it and stuffed it."
Brian Posehn: “He was a hunter and he was a badass.”
Gerry Duggan: “He actually got shot and finished his speech before getting medical attention. I think the bullet went through his prepared remarks and stuck in his chest.”
Tony Moore: “The guy was lifelong pals with Seth Bullock. Yeah. Deadwood. Teddy is 100% badass.”
Weaknesses
Gerry Duggan: “Overconfidence. He’s killed tigers and lions out in the plains so maybe killing a guy dressed as a clown covered in pouches makes him a little overconfident.”
Tony Moore: “None. Teddy had no weaknesses...except that he needed corrective lenses, but I don’t have his prescription and I’m not an optometrist, so I don’t even know how necessary those were.”
What baggage does Roosevelt bring to this fight? What’s his history, and what should we be looking for?
Tony Moore: “Look for an ass-whoopin’. That’s all Teddy knows.”
What’s Deadpool got to do to win? What's his ideal strategy here, and what's going to hold him back?
Gerry Duggan: “Avoid the powerful punches.”
Brian Posehn: “Maybe use mixed martial arts and avoid the old timey boxing. Maybe Deadpool works on his ground game and chokes him out.”
Tony Moore: “Stay out of the crosshairs. Teddy’s probably the only opponent here who’s as familiar with a firearm as Wade, and probably just as strapped. Mano a mano, definitely gotta grapple. Teddy’s striking game is strong, but I doubt he’s got much on the ground.
Brian Posehn: “Isn’t that what I just said?”
Odds of Winning
Gerry Duggan: “Well honestly, he’s one of the biggest badasses in the history of mankind. I feel like the Vegas odds on him would have Teddy beating Deadpool. If I’m a Vegas handicapper and I didn’t know much about the book, I’d like a vengeful Teddy Roosevelt more than Deadpool. He was a rough rider.”
Tony Moore: “Yeah, I’m drawing the book with our hero’s name on the cover, and I wouldn’t put money on him.”
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